memory loss

i should sleep. it is so late. it has always been. i seem to lose memory. she leaves me hand in hand with my integrity. becoming a thing. no matter how hard i try the days vanish. one after another. disconnected fragments - all that is left after all.
the noble sadness. the car that vanishes behind the horizon. the hand that moves in the darknes. the mysteries of the flesh. desintegration of our family. the disgrace. myriads of eyes. a cigarette buried in the sand on the beach. that beach ... the piano teacher with a constant headache. the pages of all the books i have ever touched. and the holy trinity: fear. solitude. silence.
i fall. and i am afraid that one day i will not be able to stand up again.

::: nothing I could say :::